Shame yourself slim #5
I’ve been playing at amateur psychologist this week, to my detriment in the end. I obviously have issues with my weight but what isn’t so obvious (or maybe it is) is my issue with confidence. I don’t have any. Any! I know I’ve said that I can’t afford to go to CyberMummy, that it’s Sam’s birthday the day before and I should be home with him, that it’s too far too travel. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared of meeting people face to face that I’ve only interacted with online. I’m scared that they’ll tell me I’m fat, ugly, shit at blogging and have no place being there. I know no one would be like that but I just don’t feel I’m worthy enough to go. I feel like that a lot. I get quite panicky when I have to meet people. I get all tongue tied, my words come out wrong and I sound like an idiot. I think they must be laughing at me.
I remember being confident once. When I was a teenager I was probably too confident, a bit of a cocky mare if the truth be known. To be that gobby now I have to be around close friends, in a familiar environment and with half a bottle of vodka down me. I usually get away with looking confident by blustering my way through but it’s getting harder.
This week, after lunch and a good chat with a friend I realised that losing weight wasn’t going to make me instantly more confident and happier. That was something I had to achieve on my own. So I decided to come off the diet. I would work on my confidence, become happy with who I am and then maybe I’d diet again, depending on if I still felt it important to be slim.
I did quite well. I decided to look at the clothes I wear and change them for clothes that emphasise my small waist, good boobs and long legs (yes, I do watch Gok!). I bought a couple of gorgeous dresses, some flattering tops and felt fabulous! I did things to make me happy, baked cookies, a lovely chicken and ham pie, jam tarts, went to a BBQ with friends, spent lots of time with Sam and I planted more fruit and veg.
In the end, after a week of soul searching I decided that I didn’t have to lose weight to be happy or attractive. My husband loves me hugely pregnant, hugely fat and normal. My friends don’t run screaming at the sight of me and my family love me whatever size I am. However, I do just want to be thinner. There’s no big revelation, no fanfare, I won’t be a different person. I’ll just be more me. I will be more confident when I’m thinner, because that will make me happier. Not happy, just happier.
I haven’t weighed myself this week. I’ve poured my heart out to my diet counsellor, we’ve discussed why I seem to sabotage myself when I get to this weight and we’ve discussed how to move forward. So we shall see. Would being thinner make a difference to me attending CyberMummy? Possibly, although I’d still have an almost pathological fear of meeting new people. If it becomes an annual event you might see me next year. I’ll be the one scared in the corner, looking for a glimmer of a welcome and a smile. I hope you all have a wonderful time this year.