My most embarrassing moment

The very lovely Mwa at Lost in Translation has shared her most embarrassing experience and invited other to tell theirs. I thought I’d give it a go to try to banish the demons in my head which, 11 years on are still screaming.

I wouldn’t say I was a promiscuous teenager; I was just rather liberal and free. I was also strangely sensible at 18 and when I got together with my 2^nd boyfriend I decided to have a full sexual health check up at my local GUM Clinic. I think everyone should have these tests done, even if they’re in a long term relationship. After all you really don’t know what they’ve been up to in the past & what their previous partners have been up to. I’ve had a few of these ‘MOTs’ and thankfully have always been fine.

To get back to the point though. I was barely 18, full of the joys of youth when I walked into the GUM Clinic that day. I use the word clinic loosely. It was basically a room in the audiology department (bizarrely). Even when the handsome, 30 something male doctor asked me to strip from the waist down & put my legs in stirrups I was still feeling ok. I’d waxed to within an inch of my life and while I didn’t feel exactly comfortable, I knew I couldn’t embarrass myself with an overgrown bush at least. The doctor removed the sheet covering my modesty & was about to start the examination and taking of swabs when he said ‘You know, I have some students who haven’t seen this done, would you mind if I asked them in?’ and without waiting for an answer, bounded out to get said students.

Leaving me on the table.

In stirrups.

With nothing over me.

WITH THE DOOR TO THE CORRIDOR OPEN!!!

WITH PEOPLE WALKING PAST!!!!!

The shame, oh the shame. 11 years later I can still see the shocked faces of the 2 older women who walked past, glanced in the room and saw me in all my (neatly trimmed and waxed) glory. I was lay rigid on the bed for about 30 seconds and then tried to get my feet out of the stirrups to give myself some cover but in my haste couldn’t! It was like that scene in Friends where Ross is trying out the bed in the birthing centre and gets stuck – legs flailing everywhere. That was me. Bear arse naked.

It must only have been a minute or two before the doctor and his posse of students came back but it felt like a lifetime. I hadn’t managed to extract myself properly from the stirrups and was still wrangling with then now lay half on and half off the bed. The doctor never even apologised and I was so damn embarrassed I didn’t say anything. After the tests I scurried home vowing never to set foot in that godforsaken place again. 

My innocence was lost that day. And possibly the innocence of those two poor ladies, probably just on their way for hearing tests, who were confronted by the sight of my near naked fallulah on display.