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Shame yourself slim #5

June 3, 2010

I’ve been playing at amateur psychologist this week, to my detriment in the end. I obviously have issues with my weight but what isn’t so obvious (or maybe it is) is my issue with confidence. I don’t have any. Any! I know I’ve said that I can’t afford to go to CyberMummy, that it’s Sam’s birthday the day before and I should be home with him, that it’s too far too travel. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared of meeting people face to face that I’ve only interacted with online. I’m scared that they’ll tell me I’m fat, ugly, shit at blogging and have no place being there. I know no one would be like that but I just don’t feel I’m worthy enough to go. I feel like that a lot. I get quite panicky when I have to meet people. I get all tongue tied, my words come out wrong and I sound like an idiot. I think they must be laughing at me.

I remember being confident once. When I was a teenager I was probably too confident, a bit of a cocky mare if the truth be known. To be that gobby now I have to be around close friends, in a familiar environment and with half a bottle of vodka down me. I usually get away with looking confident by blustering my way through but it’s getting harder.

This week, after lunch and a good chat with a friend I realised that losing weight wasn’t going to make me instantly more confident and happier. That was something I had to achieve on my own. So I decided to come off the diet. I would work on my confidence, become happy with who I am and then maybe I’d diet again, depending on if I still felt it important to be slim.

I did quite well. I decided to look at the clothes I wear and change them for clothes that emphasise my small waist, good boobs and long legs (yes, I do watch Gok!). I bought a couple of gorgeous dresses, some flattering tops and felt fabulous! I did things to make me happy, baked cookies, a lovely chicken and ham pie, jam tarts, went to a BBQ with friends, spent lots of time with Sam and I planted more fruit and veg. 

In the end, after a week of soul searching I decided that I didn’t have to lose weight to be happy or attractive. My husband loves me hugely pregnant, hugely fat and normal. My friends don’t run screaming at the sight of me and my family love me whatever size I am. However, I do just want to be thinner. There’s no big revelation, no fanfare, I won’t be a different person. I’ll just be more me. I will be more confident when I’m thinner, because that will make me happier. Not happy, just happier.

I haven’t weighed myself this week. I’ve poured my heart out to my diet counsellor, we’ve discussed why I seem to sabotage myself when I get to this weight and we’ve discussed how to move forward. So we shall see. Would being thinner make a difference to me attending CyberMummy? Possibly, although I’d still have an almost pathological fear of meeting new people. If it becomes an annual event you might see me next year. I’ll be the one scared in the corner, looking for a glimmer of a welcome and a smile. I hope you all have a wonderful time this year.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. June 3, 2010 7:35 am

    I am so glad that you are working on the issues behind the weight.

    I wrote something a little while back about this.
    http://backawaydonut.blogspot.com/2010/05/like-yourself-now-before-you-lose.html

    Good luck!

  2. June 3, 2010 8:25 am

    Despite putting on a tonne of weight during pregnancy I didn’t even try and lose it until my head was in the right place. Everything else needs to be right for you to truly lose weight. If it’s not, it becomes just another thing to beat yourself up about. So good for you for reaching that decision.
    I very much understand the confidence thing. To be honest it is my idea of a scenario from hell, a place full off people I don’t know (i.e. I have never physically met them). Ironically, if I was up presenting and talking I would be fine, it’s the social interaction I have a problem with.

  3. June 3, 2010 9:01 am

    Your blog is amazing. When you write you come across as truly confident. So maybe there is a confident girl hiding inside the timid one, let her out. Either way all your readers love you.

  4. June 4, 2010 11:52 pm

    I so know how you feel on this issue. I’m really looking forward to CyberMummy but I’m scared that everyone will wonder ‘who the hell is that fat girl’!!! Well done you on working on your issues….we’ll see you next year 🙂

  5. June 5, 2010 11:13 pm

    Pleased to hear you are off the crazy diet – good for you. I’m thinking of going back to weightwatchers again as this worked for me about 8 years ago – I got to my goal weight at that time. I have got as far as finding out where my local class is here but not been to it yet. I am thinking do I want to be thinner, ENOUGH to stick to any kind of diet as I am reasonably happy being 3 stone over weight (14 stone, goal weight 10.13). I feel Ok and am fit and healthy, but it would help to be thinner when buying clothes. I only feel fat when I see photos of myself and feel my clothes are a bit frumpy.

  6. July 6, 2010 2:45 pm

    I am so sorry to read this. You really have no reason to assume any of the above – your blog is great and you seem to be a wonderful person. And you would have enjoyed yourself to the fullest, I am sure of. x MM

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