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Guest Post 1 – Being a mum with no mum

July 5, 2010

You may have noticed that I’m having a bit of a ‘blogiday’ at the moment. Sam’s 2nd birthday, passing my course (Yes, I did it!!) and a new baby nephew have taken my time, energy and emotions leaving me with very little inclination to write. This week though I’m on an actual holiday.We’re off to Butlins for a week to relax, rejuvinate and reconnect. I’m so looking forward to kicking back and relaxing. My main way of relaxing (being online) won’t be happening though. In their infinate wisdom Butlins have decreed that Skegness won’t have WiFi throughout. Fabulous. You  If I had known that I wouldn’t have booked it. So, in place of me you have a couple of guest posts from non bloggers who have kindly agreed to help me out & keep your interest.

Ladies & gentlemen I would like to introduce Miss X, a very good friend from school who, thanks to Facebook, I have recently got back in touch with. She has been incredibly supportive, not least with my blogging efforts. When I put a shout out for guest posts from people who know me I got her email the same day. She’s a wonderful writer and I’m sure if she had the chance (difficult with 2 small children!) she be a fantastic blogger – seriously think about it Miss X! Facebook can be a curse but I love it, mainly for putting me back in touch with people like her whom I wish I hadn’t lost touch with in the first place.

I give you…Miss X…

I’ve never really thought about trying to write down my thoughts on being a mum who has no mum. It’s something I’m very aware of every day of my life, and I have random thoughts all day about various aspects of that concept, but I’ve never tried to encompass that into one place.

My mum died when I was nearly 17, almost 14 years ago. Over time you become used to the idea someone just isn’t there anymore and yeah you miss them, but you just get on with it. Then it came to the stage in my life where I was going to be a mum myself and the loss I had experienced years earlier became much more in the forefront of my mind again.

I knew from the offset of both my pregnancies I would have no mum to look to for help during my pregnancy, and for support during birth and even more importantly when my babies were born.  Something which I desperately wanted and needed and still do, but know I will never have.

My husband was more amazing that I could have ever expected during both labours, but I wonder how it would have been if my mum could have been there to share those special moments. I wonder how proud she would have been of all that I had worked hard for, and wonder what a fantastic granny she would have been. But she won’t ever be there to share it all and to ever know how amazing her beautiful grandchildren are. They too will never know the love she could have given to them, and experience what it is like to have that lovely relationship. Something I had up until my 20s, and it hurts me to think that it is something I can never give my children.

Losing my mum so young makes me worry constantly of what would happen to my babies if I ever had to leave them?…how would they cope without the one person who is meant to be there for them?  It also makes me realise how excruciatingly painful it must have been for my mum to face that reality all those years ago.

It frustrates me speaking to my fellow mums who readily complain about one aspect or another of their mums, at least they have theirs. I would love to have the level of support around me that some people get from their mothers and close family. I would give so much to have held my mum’s hand in labour, to have her pop round for a brew and have a chat, to take the kids for half a day…no ..half an hour to give me a rest, to have them overnight to give me a full night’s sleep and a lie in. But the reality is that will never happen, but I do think what it must be like to have someone like that in my life everyday…and wonder how much all those little things would mean to me.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 5, 2010 10:42 am

    Reading this post made me realise that I don’t appreciate my mother enough and I really should make more time for her. Lovely post.

  2. Hoaxcaller permalink
    July 5, 2010 12:21 pm

    I don’t have my mum for different reasons. We stopped speaking 12 years ago before I had children and despite various attempts and regaining contact, she has declined. Luckily I have a step-mum how although doesn’t particularly have much a of relationship with me, she does with the children. Having gone through a nasty relationship and divorce with the kids father I don’t have a MIL either. It’s strange to see others so reliant on their mums and I had a million questions I needed answering during pregnancy and labour with my first born. I wanted to know if I was as active in the womb, if she had morning sickness too, how I was born etc but I don’t have any of this information. It’s hard to explain but I did feel something missing during it all but it made me also realise there is no circumstance, or no other person could EVER make me abandon my children, no matter how old they are.

  3. July 5, 2010 7:17 pm

    this is so heartbreaking. I cannot imagine the void left by your mum… as I wrote in the very first magazine article I ever had published – as I learn to become a mum, I very much need to be mothered. I hope you feel at times that she is still there with you, in her spirit at least, and with your memories of her….memories that you will share with your children so perhaps they will know a little of her. a lovely post – think about that blog!

  4. July 5, 2010 8:22 pm

    Like you, my mother died when I was 16 and over 20 years later there is still a gap. Bringing up children without her has been a struggle at times, but it would have been much harder without my wonderful husband and his amazing mother – I have been blessed with a great MIL!
    But I identify totally with others who are disrespectful of their mothers. It is so frustrating: you only ever get one, and she is so precious. She can never be replaced. Then I have to remind myself that in ten, twenty, thirty years time we’ll all be in the same boat. Perhaps it won’t feel so bad then.

  5. July 5, 2010 10:04 pm

    What a lovely post. I agree you should start a blog – I would certainly follow you. And Notsuchayummymummy I hope that you have the best time at Butlins.

  6. July 8, 2010 6:12 am

    Miss X:
    I can’t even begin to comprehend the pain you must have gone through 14 years back. Having to relive the loss now must be so tough. And you are right about the rest of us complaining about how our moms drive us crazy. I will think of this the next time we have an argument. Hope your children get a glimpse of their grandmom through your pictures and memories.

    You should definitely start writing on a regular basis.

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